Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
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Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous