Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time