If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.