If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
We all have our pet causes.