Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.