They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?