mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here