Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
fourth time’s the charm
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job