Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.