Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Dammit Chief not again
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.