don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
#TopTip
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History