has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!