Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God