Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
i wish i could marry a nap
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!