me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother