Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me in tagged photos
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.