M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.