Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Welcome
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
english majors be like furthermore
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.