[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I thought this was funny lol
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.