I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.