Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious