Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”