Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.