Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I feel attacked.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Salad is the decaf of food.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭