sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?