When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Easy enough.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Note to self: I am a note
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Thinking about Jeff
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping