Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?