Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.