[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
That’s it.I’m out.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing