Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You Might Also Like
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
(more comics:
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.