My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Rich people don’t understand cereal
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.