Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?