Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I think they could have phrased this better
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.