My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺