Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.