[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
can’t catch a break