A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.