I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what