I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
#dnd #ttrpg
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon