Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”