Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.