We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.