Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Well, this is awkward
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out