Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I have obtained a hat
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me: But what will I eat?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby