Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

I have obtained a hat

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby