Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.