Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

This took me a second..

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texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off