FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.