If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day