Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?