A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25