Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?