The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Come back with a warrant