I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course