I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
You Might Also Like
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
See..?
.
being a writer on Twitter:
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
wow
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”