I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.