I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.


Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse


“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.


The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.


[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*


Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.


All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.


If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.