had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*