I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”