The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!